Not Making This Up

        If you see me at school and I appear to have makeup on my face, stop right there. There are three possible explanations for this: the person you are looking at is not actually me, you need to get your eyes checked, or the world is ending. Oh wait, or I couldn't get all my eyeliner off after a dress rehearsal the night before. Wait, also if it's Halloween or spirit week or something and I really need crazy blue eye-shadow for a costume, sure, but that hasn't happened to date. Okay, fine, that makes five (however unlikely) possibilities. My point is, I am not someone who wears makeup to school. I don't really have one good explanation for why exactly, and I've never really thought that hard about it before today. It's just a thing (like how I don't curse, no specific reason, it's just a thing, and that one could be a whole other blog post by itself). 

        It's not that I objectively hate how I look with makeup. My ballet stage makeup sure, I think it looks awful, but it only is really supposed to look good from 20 yards away under bright lights anyways. But the kind of makeup that I would hypothetically wear to school, I'm okay with it. In fact, if I'm happy with how my makeup looks, it boosts my confidence a tiny bit. Even throwing on a bit of mascara (the most I think I've ever worn to school) can make me feel better about myself for pictures or an interview. I guess for me, my rejection of wearing makeup to school is more of a personal practicality and comfort thing. (In no way do I think never wearing makeup to school is the optimal way of life or preferable thing for everyone, it just is for me.)

        First of all, and this isn't necessarily the most important of the explanations, I can't imagine adding the time into my routine to do my makeup in the morning and take it off at night every single day. I don't get enough sleep as it is, and chopping more of that sleep off of every day would be tough. I know, no one said it had to be every day, but I like routines in the mornings, and deciding last minute that I feel like I want to wear makeup that day would not fly with me. Another practicality issue is that I'm not all that great at doing makeup, despite the hundred times I have had to do it for ballet. I know this would get better with practice, but I wouldn't even know how to start.

        Another reason I don't wear makeup to school is for personal self-confidence reasons. I have always been a very self-conscious person. At least half of my mind always seems to be on wondering what other people think of me and how I am presenting myself every moment of every day. That is not necessarily a good thing, I know, so something I have been working on recently is trying to make sure that the person that people see when they look at me is really me. It's not the girl I think I want to be or the one I thought was cool when I chatted with her waiting in line at Einsteins. Part of that is just caring less about what people think of my actions. Another thing is worrying less about my physical appearance in other people's eyes. I have been very self-conscious about the little things of how I look for a long time, and I am only just recently learning what it means to appreciate my own appearances how they are. I think that makeup (outside the context of ballet) makes me feel like someone else, not me, on the outside. I am not a person who wears makeup, so when I do, I feel like I'm masking myself to look like someone else. None of this is to say that makeup is bad for everyone; many people feel like makeup adds to, or at the very least doesn't mess with, who they are when they are at school. I just don't think it's me specifically, so why should I wear it? 

        I wore makeup to homecoming (more than just mascara) and it was weird. I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and have to do a triple take. I did not feel like me, or at least the normal me, with enough makeup to change how I looked. Don't get me wrong, I looked nice and it was fun to feel pretty, but it was a strange experience and I still don't know how I feel about it. I wouldn't do that at school on a normal day, though.

        So if you see me at school wearing makeup, the world is probably ending. Or I'm dressing up for something really, really special. It still won't be too much makeup though. Not on me.

        (The irony is that as I finish writing this, I am at home wearing a full face of stage makeup from our dress rehearsal tonight. The stage is different because makeup is necessary there.)

Is It Worth It?

        I have been having a mini crisis in my head recently. Let me share it with you. My mini crisis comes down to my life as a dancer. I have been dancing for 65% of my life, and although I have sacrificed a lot for it, including my social life and physical health much of the time, I love it. In a college app short answer I recently wrote, I said, "Ballet is my passion." Thinking about it, ballet is really a major part of my way of life. I dedicate at least 26 hours of my week every week to ballet, not to mention the money spent over the past 11 years. If you look at my Facebook feed, it is at least half filled with pictures and videos from major ballerinas, ballet companies, and ballet groups. I love dancing with every inch of me when I'm on stage or rehearsing one of my favorite pieces. I love seeing myself improve in my extension and turns over months of hard work. Every compliment from Deanna feels as valuable, sacred, and rare as pure gold. However, I am giving up a lot to do ballet. Is it really worth it?

         In 8th grade, I had to make the momentous decision of choosing between soccer and ballet. (I chose ballet, as you can tell.) However, it is not true that that decision came easily. I remember experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil about it. I had been playing soccer for just as long, if not longer, than I had been dancing. I loved soccer games. Soccer and ballet were jointly my two passions, and I had to choose ballet over soccer. Watching the Uni soccer games this fall, I had a strong feeling of wanting to be on the field again in orange in blue (I played for IFC), playing outside defense. I sat on the bleachers at every game I could make it to, saying to myself all the things a normal person would yell to the players. I was not confident enough to yell it, but I was happy knowing that I could still understand everything and critique the plays.

         Ballet, due to how time-consuming it is, has prevented me from feeling like a normal high school teenager sometimes (okay, maybe more like most of the time). There are so many shows, social gatherings, and events, that I would have loved to go to, but there's always ballet in the way. Ballet takes a lot of time, and although that time commitment really is necessary for progression as a dancer, it has an effect. I have to constantly tell my friends "sorry I can't, I have ballet," or, "I really want to, but I can't miss ballet tonight." Teenagers are supposed to spend tons of time with their friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, and/or just enjoying freedom without all the responsibility. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on all of this, and if I have to give one reason, it is that ballet doesn't leave me the time and energy necessary for this.

        On top of all of this, I am never physically healthy anymore. I have had chronic knee problems since freshman year. I had a stress fracture last year that has been threatening to reappear for the past 12 months. My ankles and back never feel quite right anymore, and at the moment, I am self-diagnosed with tendinitis in my hip flexor. I realized the other day that I cannot remember the last time that I went through a day of ballet without feeling like I was in pain in any way. I have realized recently that I am sacrificing my lifelong physical health for ballet now.

        So if I am sacrificing so much for ballet, is it worth it? I think it is for me right now because it is a huge part of my life and I really enjoy it. If I stopped dancing right now, I could see myself sitting around my house feeling lost. When we have a break from ballet for even a few days, sometimes I find myself dancing subtly without even thinking about it. It is a part of my life that I would not be able to give up easily. It also makes me really happy, so for the moment, I can't imagine having to stop dancing. Even when I was in a boot last year, I went to ballet every day to do part of warm-ups and watch the rest of class. I think ballet is worth it, but will I still think that is 2 or 5 or 20 years? I don't know.