I have been having a mini crisis in my head recently. Let me share it with you. My mini crisis comes down to my life as a dancer. I have been dancing for 65% of my life, and although I have sacrificed a lot for it, including my social life and physical health much of the time, I love it. In a college app short answer I recently wrote, I said, "Ballet is my passion." Thinking about it, ballet is really a major part of my way of life. I dedicate at least 26 hours of my week every week to ballet, not to mention the money spent over the past 11 years. If you look at my Facebook feed, it is at least half filled with pictures and videos from major ballerinas, ballet companies, and ballet groups. I love dancing with every inch of me when I'm on stage or rehearsing one of my favorite pieces. I love seeing myself improve in my extension and turns over months of hard work. Every compliment from Deanna feels as valuable, sacred, and rare as pure gold. However, I am giving up a lot to do ballet. Is it really worth it?
In 8th grade, I had to make the momentous decision of choosing between soccer and ballet. (I chose ballet, as you can tell.) However, it is not true that that decision came easily. I remember experiencing a lot of emotional turmoil about it. I had been playing soccer for just as long, if not longer, than I had been dancing. I loved soccer games. Soccer and ballet were jointly my two passions, and I had to choose ballet over soccer. Watching the Uni soccer games this fall, I had a strong feeling of wanting to be on the field again in orange in blue (I played for IFC), playing outside defense. I sat on the bleachers at every game I could make it to, saying to myself all the things a normal person would yell to the players. I was not confident enough to yell it, but I was happy knowing that I could still understand everything and critique the plays.
Ballet, due to how time-consuming it is, has prevented me from feeling like a normal high school teenager sometimes (okay, maybe more like most of the time). There are so many shows, social gatherings, and events, that I would have loved to go to, but there's always ballet in the way. Ballet takes a lot of time, and although that time commitment really is necessary for progression as a dancer, it has an effect. I have to constantly tell my friends "sorry I can't, I have ballet," or, "I really want to, but I can't miss ballet tonight." Teenagers are supposed to spend tons of time with their friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, and/or just enjoying freedom without all the responsibility. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out on all of this, and if I have to give one reason, it is that ballet doesn't leave me the time and energy necessary for this.
On top of all of this, I am never physically healthy anymore. I have had chronic knee problems since freshman year. I had a stress fracture last year that has been threatening to reappear for the past 12 months. My ankles and back never feel quite right anymore, and at the moment, I am self-diagnosed with tendinitis in my hip flexor. I realized the other day that I cannot remember the last time that I went through a day of ballet without feeling like I was in pain in any way. I have realized recently that I am sacrificing my lifelong physical health for ballet now.
So if I am sacrificing so much for ballet, is it worth it? I think it is for me right now because it is a huge part of my life and I really enjoy it. If I stopped dancing right now, I could see myself sitting around my house feeling lost. When we have a break from ballet for even a few days, sometimes I find myself dancing subtly without even thinking about it. It is a part of my life that I would not be able to give up easily. It also makes me really happy, so for the moment, I can't imagine having to stop dancing. Even when I was in a boot last year, I went to ballet every day to do part of warm-ups and watch the rest of class. I think ballet is worth it, but will I still think that is 2 or 5 or 20 years? I don't know.
That's a really difficult thing to work out, Maggie. To love something so much but also wondering if the sacrifice you're making will still feel worth it in the future, if you're going to look back and regret your decisions. You're articulating all the reasons why I admire dancers so much.
ReplyDeleteThis is a difficult issue to face any time you love something that requires huge commitment and sacrifice. But with ballet, like other athletic endeavors that take a major physical toll, it's so much harder. One thing to consider is that there are many styles of dance to pursue that are not as injury-prone (nor as all-consuming) as ballet. I danced ballet as a child and a young teenager and loved it, but as I got older I started exploring other styles of dance like ballroom, salsa, modern, and African dance, and I ended up enjoying them even more than ballet, in part because the ratio of time spent in the center of the floor dancing was so much higher, and I often just felt more free. Sometimes it was hard to make the shift from the turned out and lifted body positions that are so central to ballet to a looser styles with or one with a lower center of gravity, but it seemed like once it clicked, there was always a lot that transferred.
ReplyDeleteIn any case, this is a difficult choice to face. I hope that you're able to make peace with the choice that's right for you. But I encourage you to listen to your body as you contemplate your decision.
As you already know, there is a lot for you to think about when contemplating such a potentially life changing decision. I appreciate your honesty and think you should be proud of yourself for facing these struggles head on. While what happened to me wasn't exactly my choice, not being able to play soccer on a regular basis, or at all really, has taught me a lot about myself and my identity. I've learned that at the end of the day, what we do is not the single most important thing that defines us. Regardless of where life takes you in the future and whether or not ballet is a major part of that, you will always have yourself as the person you have grown to be as a result of that. That being said, follow your gut. Wishing you all the best!
ReplyDeleteThe decision to pursue something that can be considered extracurricular is a bit risky because like you said it's hard to judge whether it will be worth the time and effort in the future. I do hope that you do figure it out and that you won't end up regretting the decisions that you end up making.
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. I can really feel your dilemma between the need for physical and social health, and also your desire to continue the activity that you love. If only there was a way to have the best of both worlds, dancing and still staying healthy. But I hear that ballet is really tough on the body, and requires a lot of time, so I can see how finding that balance will be hard.
ReplyDeleteI’m sorry to hear that ballet is such a source of worry for you. I can’t tell you whether it’s worth it or not but I hope that it will be in the end for you. In any case, the dedication you’ve put into ballet is something I don’t think I could ever do and I really admire you for that.
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